Theoretical Application of Toll House Cookie Dough for Gravitational Collapse

Theoretical Application of Toll House Cookie Dough for Gravitational Collapse

By Adam Adair, Associate Evil Genius

Abstract

In this highly questionable but delicious scientific treatise, we examine the plausibility of destroying Earth via gravitational collapse using an enormous mass of Nestlé Toll House cookie dough. Combining suspicious logic, actual astrophysics, and reckless baking, we present a novel and chewy approach to planetary annihilation.

1. Introduction

Many methods for global annihilation have been considered: nuclear war, killer AI, even budget cuts to space programs. Yet none embrace the spirit of caloric excess quite like the cookie dough collapse model. In this paper, we explore how a moon-sized dessert might achieve gravitational doom, and how you too can bake the end of days.

2. Methodology and Mathematics

We begin by calculating Earth’s gravitational binding energy, using the classical formula:

Where:

• \(G = 6.674 \times 10^{-11} \, \text{m}^3/\text{kg}/\text{s}^2\) (gravitational constant)
• \(M = 5.972 \times 10^{24} \, \text{kg}\) (mass of Earth)
• \(R = 6.371 \times 10^6 \, \text{m}\) (radius of Earth)

Evaluating this gives:
\(E \approx 2.24 \times 10^{32} \, \text{joules}\)

Assuming cookie dough has a density of approximately:
\(\rho = 1200 \, \text{kg/m}^3\)

Then the volume of cookie dough required is:
\(V = \frac{M}{\rho} \approx \frac{5.972 \times 10^{24}}{1200} \approx 4.976 \times 10^{21} \, \text{m}^3\)

Using the volume of a sphere, we solve for the radius:
\(r = \left( \frac{3V}{4\pi} \right)^{1/3} \approx 1.05 \times 10^6 \, \text{m}\)

Thus, the dough sphere would be about 1,050 km in radius – a modest moon-sized cookie.

3. Discussion

The challenges in creating such a mass are vast: ingredient transport, recipe scale-up, planetary refrigeration, and PR disasters. However, the resulting gravitational potential energy, if directed properly, could destabilize Earth’s orbit or outright crush it. Public reception would vary between awe and insatiable hunger.

4. Conclusion

We conclude that a moon-sized blob of Nestlé Toll House cookie dough, properly positioned and sufficiently massive, could indeed cause gravitational collapse of the Earth. Whether or not this is a noble end remains a matter of philosophical pastry debate.

References

1. Adair, A., Baking Bad: Weaponizing Confectionery for Global Domination, unpublished manuscript.
2. House, N., Toll, R., Cookie Dough Dynamics, Journal of Snackpocalypse Studies, 2024.
3. NASA Cookbook (Declassified).